KEEP ON DOING GOOD EVEN IF IT PAINS YOU TO DO SO

Your truth and that of the world will always be different. Just like how you can care for some people and they might not necessary feel the same about you. Such is the reality of the world we live in. Not everything we see and believe is necessarily good for us, hence why we need to be careful of the people we let into our personal spaces.

However, amid all the standards of the world keep on doing good for those who don’t deserve it or look down on you, for the rewards you seek are those given to you by your heavenly father. Yes, I know it is not easy doing good for people who don’t deserve it, but you do it anyway. If they look down on your kindness and mistake it for dumbness or stupidity you keep doing it anyway because eventually, you will rip the rewards. When they eventually start to acknowledge your good virtues you can softly smile and walk away because you know you've held your end of the bargain according to God’s laws.

Doing good is hard and often you want to create short cuts by stepping on a few toes, but think of the internal peace you claim from knowing you have done right by the word of God and from there on out all else is in his hands. So when faced with the need to do evil instead of good, rather walk away and ask for guidance for no evil deed goes unpunished just like no good deed goes unrewarded. 

MEN WANT TO FEEL NEEDED BY WOMEN

So recent a few friends and I had a talk about Independent women. In as much as more women are becoming independent especially financially, they are apparently starting to make the men in their lives feel like they are not NEEDED.

Yep, I said. As much as we think men want strong independent women they also want to feel needed. It would seem that not asking for money to get your nails, hair or shopping done or simply asking for advice on important matters in your life is emasculating the men. Ladies that is why he is probably holding on to that side chick that squeezes him for every cent he makes.

So now my question goes to the guys, why do you need validating by virtue of material things? I am sorry but you don’t need to feel needed just because you can provide material things. Yes they are important to some, but if you are building your hope of a long term relationship based on this kind of validation you are in for a rude awakening. One that is, likely going to blow your socks off.

Let’s be honest, we live in a time where greed is governing the economy so much so that financial crises are becoming the order of the day. So explain to me how you will not be frustrated once you’re with someone who is not financially dependent on you, just because you want to feel like a man.

My brothers open your sees and remove the splinter of ignorance; the days of material validation as proof of being needed are long gone. We are now in an age where women need you to be good great men worth of strong women and are able to look at all that strength with appreciation. Yes we do need you, but if we don’t need to show it by taking your money all the time. We need you to be there for us emotionally because that’s the need we have the most.  

BEING PRIDEFUL

In life we often go around making stupid mistakes and judgement of others all in light of this thing called pride. Pride is so detrimental to the soul it can be your own worst enemy. Needless to say I am no stranger to this five letter word, even I can be so full of it occasionally sometimes for good but for the most times in the worst of situations.

As human beings we navigate towards pride in the most unnecessary of circumstances. For instance, at times when we’re wrong or have made mistakes that are eating away at our very soul, we would rather not apologise or admit we are wrong because of this stupid pride. We can be so full of it that; we only see, what we want to see, when we want to see it. When you’ve wronged people accept that you were wrong or they were wrong and forgive them, as we are only human. I’m not saying forgiveness is easy but it can be done, in fact all things are possible through Christ Jesus. I’ve been prideful with people so close it me I had no business being that, but I choose it thinking they would respect me more, instead they told me how stupid I was being and if I continued like this I would be dig my own grave with one of the deadliest of sins in the bible, hello even God hates pride because it cause a cloud in judgement. If you can’t take my word for it feel free to look at the following scripture verses (Leviticus 26:19, Chronicles 26:16, Proverbs 11:2, Isaiah 13:19; 2:12, Daniel 5;20, Deuteronomy 8:14 not forgetting the famous Corinthians 13:4) they all talk about God’s dislike of pride.

Pride is responsible for keeping some many people away from the blessing bestowed to them by the Lord. Pride will make a fool you long before you have seen and understood what is going on. It’s good to be walking around chest pumped out and you gloating in pride, that very same pride is making you look and act the fool. I’ve let pride control me for too long and I am sure I have missed countless blessings because of it, but I have turned a new leaf, pride and I have had fun together but it’s time for me to let him be. He has not brought me any good to date.

WHY DOES GROWING UP EQUATE TO LESS FRIENDS

So recently a good friend asked me a very important question. WHY DOES GROWING UP EQUATE TO LESS FRIENDS? The problem I had with this particular question was the fact that I was also guilty of being that kind of friend to some of my friends him included. By that ‘kind of friend’ I mean the one who has become so bad at keeping in touch because I am so wrapped up in my business. I find myself in a situation where the older I get, the fewer friends I have. For some odd reason I always assumed that was the natural order of life or is it!

However, I have come to realize that it is time to re-evaluate my stand point on the matter. The sad reality is we lose friends because both of you are not making an effort to work at that friendship. Yes, I understand that people are busy living their lives but taking time out to write a text, email or calling will not require 24 hours of your time. The worst is when people text and you don’t reply, talk about being told rude and clearly not interested. We are all busy, busy trying to make it in this life but we need to take time out to appreciate our friends. For now you might feel like you don’t need anybody and you truly might not, but we were not designed by God to without friends.  The reality is we have less friends the older we get because of the stages of life we go through. When in high school we start forgetting about our primary school friends, in varsity we forget the high school friends and after graduation we forget the varsity friends. However, ultimately, all this sense of forgetting is about making time management. Friendships like relationships need to be constantly maintained and worked on. Some might even argue that friends fall out because an element of jealousy in the success of others starts to creep in. Your true friends will always be there in your failures and success. So if you have friends who've stuck around through your waste of times without judgement or those who encourage you when you have lost hope in yourself, those friends are keepers.

So to answer this question, I guess some people just stop viewing us as friends as time passes by. They go on to start new circles and if you don’t move in those circles some friendship then frizzle out over time.

ALL MEN/WOMEN CHEAT OR NOT!

So if you live on this planet and you’re not under age it is safe to say you’ve used this statement at some point or another ‘all men/women cheat’ depending on which side of the spectrum you are standing. As true as this statement might sound, not all men or women cheat. Those who use the statement have just had the misfortune of learning from one of life’s experiences.


Truth be told no man or woman, who truly cares about the other person in their lives would want to cheat on them let alone hurt them, period! When you hurt your partner you also hurt yourself if you truly care at all for them. The infliction of pain on someone whom you care about is something you will never indulge in especially if you foresee a future with that person. In my opinion, people who cheat are those who can’t bring themselves to be honest with other person in their lives. For whatever the reasons, nothing justifies cheating. If you are unhappy or you’ve met someone else who tickles your fancy, tell the person in your life to release them and walk away. There is nothing worse than when one person is moving on whilst holding the other ‘hostage’ because you think lying is better. It is only better for you that is lying because you get to eat your cake and have it. If you truly care for the other person be honest with them. Yes, the truth will stink like hell but you’ll know where you stand enough to stop making a fool of yourself and fighting for a fight already lost. No, you shouldn’t have to read between the lines because the same way said you liked each other you can say it’s over. Rather the pain that goes away eventually and not the one that leads you into thinking all men/women cheat.


Remember that when you cheat you are not just cheating on someone, you are also cheating yourself out of trust and happiness on both sides of whatever you are involved in. There is only so many times that trust can be broken. Yes, things could get back to ‘some normal’ but you would also have helped induce paranoia which is only leads to fights, and more fighting. As human beings we often believe that lying is better, yet the ripple effects of lies are far more damaging. The next good women/men who walk into to the lives of the damaged are sacrificed by the mistakes of other. So know this now, not all men/women cheat, just because you got done over last time the next person you are going to be involved with might not cheat on you at all. Furthermore, stop carrying the baggage from your previous relationship into the next, because you will only ruin things before they have even begun. Sometimes, we are quick to fight for people forgetting that maybe just maybe that is not the person God has planned for you. Learn to guard your heart and pray you would be amazed at the peace God can give you in your darkest hours. So ladies and gentlemen if you aren’t feeling the person in your life let them go rather than making a fool of them by cheating on them. Remember, just because you got hurt today it doesn’t mean the same will happen tomorrow. There are genuine people out there, just be open enough to drop your baggage before you get back on the dating horse.

TRUSTING YOUR GUT

Often times we hear the expression ‘trust your gut’ or ‘trust your instincts’ yet as human beings we choose to ignore that gut feeling even when it is screaming so loud its echoes can be heard at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. So why do we ignore it?

It’s rather quite simple to be honest. As human beings we don’t like to fail, lose or even acknowledge defeat when we set our minds to wanting something. We ignore the red flags so much so we turn them green just so we can justify why we went past them in the first place. Like babies, we like to be told what we want to hear even when we know clearly, there is no truth in what is being said.

We need to remember, not all things in this life are meant to stay with us forever, jobs, friends, opportunities, girlfriends, boyfriends……………all these things are some point will need to be just seasonal and not worthy of a life time. Flowers bloom on a seasonal bases but an oak tree can grow and live longer then some human beings. This is the same with people and opportunities.

For heck’s sake even seasons change as do human beings. Remember that everything, person or opportunity has something different to offer. It is up to you to decide if what is being offered is what you want or need for yourself. Be wary to ask advice from people not befitting to give it, e.g. relationship advice from a non-committer, career advice from a career-less person. How do you ask advice, from someone who hasn't gotten it right themselves! Avoid putting yourself in situations where your gut is screaming No, No. Don’t push for the wrong things and complain when things go wrong.

Learn to communicate your needs and wants to avoid disappointments. Don’t make assumptions and expect to get the results or treatment you think you deserve if you don’t open your mouth. Don’t assume things because to do so, you will only ‘ASS-U-ME’. If you communicate your wants and needs and you aren’t getting them, move on and don’t waste your time. Stop pouring energy into something to make it work if it’s not right.

To quote Nina Shadi “…leave people behind that do not serve your happiness, and deplete you of joy. Don’t put your energy into feeding a person or experiences something that it doesn’t want or need. Don’t spend time with the people that do not make you happy and feed your soul. Don’t try to make people into something that they are not; and don’t do the same with experiences. Always keep in mind that everyone and everything has its own manual. Don’t assume that you have all the answers already, and know what’s best. Remember that we all have different needs, speeds of growth, feelings and communication styles. Read the instruction manual and proceed with caution. Stay away from bad apples. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and give people second chances, but always trust your gut and do what is right in your heart first and foremost. Remember, everything has meaning, and everything has its own phase; don’t try to extend it past that; it’ll only bring you unneeded pain and disappointment”.

HAVING JOY IN YOUR HEART

So in church this week I met a very interesting 87 year old woman. For someone her age she looked super happy and full of joy.

Let me just rewind this story from the beginning. So this Sunday in church as I was standing in the queue to have my bowl of soup, lost in my own thoughts and worries about life and all things worldly. This old lady turns around looks at me and says, I have so much joy in my heart in fact I have so much music in my heart I just want to sing. I was busy being in the bad neighbourhood of my mind, I looked at this lady and I said to myself what the hell just happened.

I politely asked her to repeat herself and she said “I have so much music in my heart I want to sing for the Lord”. Obviously having just been in my bad space I said to her I have no music in my heart at the moment. With that she turned around looked at me and smiled and started sing for me about having joy, the love of Christ through music in the heart. Upon finishing the song, she told me I don’t blame you for not having any music in your heart because things have changed so much so since she was a young girl. She said I can tell you this because I am 87 years old. I looked at her and said no way can you be that old. This woman had the body of a 70 year old and the spirit of a happy child. In fact reflecting upon this woman now, I can say I was jealous of the joy she seemed to have in abundance.

With that she continued singing the song for me until in finished. With which she looked at me and said I have seen so much in this life time I am ready to go home. Of cause, I was a bit slow to get her drift as I saw her walk away towards the table to have her soup in peace. I think she was telling me that she has lived a full life if she passed on now she would have no regrets.  In her absence from my side, I suddenly started asking myself who was I to have a heavy heart when even old 87 olds who has clearly seen more was not complaining. This woman has lived almost three life times compared to me yet she had the joy that even I didn’t have. In that moment I told myself to snap out of it because, I had not seen as much as this woman had in my life so I had no reason whatsoever to be this gloom.

GROWING UP AND MESSING UP

Today I woke up feeling rather odd. The kind of odd that you can’t explain yet it brings you so much peace you smile to yourself and wonder what the Lord has planned for you. The joy I feel in my heart at the moment is unexplained. If fact, it has put me at such ease that I know all will be well for a worrisome me. It is in this joy I chose to write this poem or whatever you want to call it.

GROWING UP

Remember how when you were young you couldn't wait to be older, I also use to be like that. I hated the fact that my mom made most of the decisions for me with regards to what I wore, where I went to school,  how I did my hair and to some extend who I could play with. Every time I did something wrong and I got scolded, I would say in my heart, I can’t wait to be older because I wouldn't have to deal with this shit no more.

For a while there growing up seemed to have its peeks. I felt that independence coming on and I started being able to choose what to wear, how to do my hair, who I could hang with and where to go to school. As a matter of fact I was being almost independent of my mom not forgetting I still received an allowance from her. Gone are the days when I needed her advice. I was now able to take decisions and be proud of myself. My mom’s hold on me was slowly diminishing and I loved it. I was slowly getting into the world.

With time, I found out boys were cool and having a boyfriend was just as great. In that point my mom has almost if not completely been erased from my mind were decisions are concerned. However, she notices the change in me and advises that one needs to be careful of boys. I look at her and smile and think to myself, what could she possibly know about guys. The arrogance of young people I tell you. In fact, I forget that my mom was once a young adult herself and she had lived through all this before.

However, when my first heartbreak kicks in, I realize how much I need my mother. I remember the days when she took all the decisions for me because they never led to any breaking of any sorts. The more mistakes I make the more I miss the dependence of having someone else take the decisions for me. A mother I had taken for granted and at times undervalued her wisdom just for the trill of this little thing I call independence. How foolish we are to think we can go through life without adult consult, wisdom is not born it is grown. So seek consult from your parents and appreciate their advice because when they are no more all you will have are mistakes and regrets of not having seeked it while they were alive. 

THE THINGS WE TAKE FOR GRANTED

I know I’ve not been writing as much as I use to but I've been busy so do bare with me. In the wake of my absence from blogging so many wonderful things happened. As a matter of fact, it is because of these wonderful things that I got the time to reflect on life in general. After much denial and debates with my friends (God bless their sweet souls) they figured its time I started writing about more positive things and less of the agro stuff. Having ears on my head and my heart I took this advice to heart. I am not totally ditching the juicer topics; however, I will try to balance the blog posts from now on. With that said, today I am going to touch on the issue of APPRECIATION.

What is appreciation?

I am not one shy of showing emotion and appreciation. I try to tell my friends and family how much I appreciate them because every day we have is borrowed. As human beings, it is in our nature to take certain things for granted like friends, family, a good education, a good lady/man etc. We are so wrapped up in overlooking the people we care about, we forget to tell them how much they mean to us because we assume they know we do.

Assumptions can be pretty dangerous, and you don’t want to live a life of regret. How often do tell the people you care about that you appreciate them, or how often do you pray and thank the Lord your God for a new day? I mean we don’t just miraculously wake ourselves up without the grace of a greater being. Do you even take the time to thank him for always holding your hand in the darkest hours of your life? Growing up I always use to wonder why our parents become so religious the older they got. They are always reminding you to have the presence of God in your life and go to church. In fact, I even use to mock the fact that only disappointed people went to church, boy was I so wrong.

A good friend of mine once told me, you can not want to succeed in life and not be anchored in the grace and guidance of God. At the time I had actually laughed it off and said whatever. However, the older I get, the more I've come to appreciate the institution that is religion. In this human life, there is only so much that your parents, family and friends can do for you. It is in this space that need to seek God, because where all else fails, God will still be the last man standing by your side and telling you all will be well. This is the space in which our parents place us when we venture out into to the world without them. Every time I went home my mom would fuss about my lack of religions grounding and I would tell her to chill and every time I gave her that answer she would reply “my dear owapumbwa kalunga mongalemweno yoye, Tameka uutale hoyikongeleka” (which translates into, My dear, you need God in your life please start going to church) and I’d reply soon mom, soon.  

When I called her to talk about anything that was bothering me, she would always tell me to pray. Its only when I started taking her advice to heart that I finally came to appreciate why she felt the need for me to find God because only then could I appreciate him and his teaches to make me realize that all the things I considered to be problems were actually not especially if I prayed about them. 

GETTING WITH A MARRIED MAN

Article written by: Butterfly Girl 

How I never thought this would be me one day. Like most girls, I grew up to have dreams of a perfect husband at a certain age. I never thought this would happen to me. No one really thinks it will happen to them. No one wishes for it to happen, until one day, you’re in this too deep and you won’t get out.

Yes, I am talking about that one thing…..that complicated thing. An affair with a married man! I never could comprehend how one gets involved with a married man, how do you let yourself get in so deep, so deep that you won’t listen to reason, that you won’t see things for what they are, that he will never leave his wife, it doesn’t matter what he tells you and how much it looks rocky on his end with his wife, he will not leave his wife. And here you are, always telling yourself, “well; with me it’s different”. Yes, it’s always different isn’t it? Perhaps it’s because you are two different people? Mind you the situation is always the same though, the scenario is always the same as the other people’s stories that you’ve heard of. But still, even with all those facts, you still “believe” your case is different.

This was not written to discourage or encourage anyone to do anything. I’m merely sharing this story because I never shared it with anyone really.

I was involved with a married man; I never thought it would happen to me. I didn’t want it to ever happen to me. But it did. So what? Well, I don’t know what to say about it. That man was wonderful I tell you. Now, here’s the difference too about mine, his wife knew about me. They had arranged their life in such a way that I was accommodated too. Yup, I had that kind of an affair with this man. So I had like 3 days in a week, just for me, and the family had the four days. On weekdays, I had the Monday, Wednesday and Friday lunches to spend with him, and Tuesdays and Thursdays and most weekends were for the family.

I don’t know why girls get involved with married men (I speak of girls because I am one and I speak only of what I know). But for me, it was more because I wanted to know what it is I’m warning girls about when I tell them, “don’t ever date a married man”. What exactly are you saying? Why shouldn’t they? So for me, I dated a married man for the experience, for the lesson to learn. I’m one of those people, when I’m told not to touch a hot stove, I will touch it just to see why I got such a stern warning and from that, I will have my own experience to live and tell. So the same applied to this relationship. I did it for the experience. I wasn’t particularly in love with this man, or did I at any point fall in love with him, no, I just liked the way he treated me because HE was rather in love with me. We didn’t have the relationship where I get showered with jewelry and trips to places, no, I had the other one. The one where we sit in a restaurant and he looks at me not like he’s undressing me, no, but like I’m the only thing in the world that exists at that moment. This man was the ideal boyfriend, the kind of guy every girl wants and dreams of. The one who makes you a priority, the one that makes you a point of his existence, even if it’s just for a while. This man would sneak off work to have coffee with me, he would get out of a meeting to come see my face.

It was great to have that kind of attention, to have been loved like that, if there’s such a thing at all. I felt great. And mind you, this man didn’t have problems in his marriage, he simply just fell in love with me and “there was nothing he could do but be with me” he’d said. So I let him.

It was fun though, it was wonderful to have that kind of thing with a man. He made me feel so butterfly-like. When it was over though, I had no regrets, I had learned a lot and unfortunately for the men out there, my standards have gone up high. Now that I know that kind of thing really exists and I have gone through it, I know I don’t have to settle for bullshit. I have learned one thing though, one important thing, and it’s that I never want that kind of relationship again. It’s so limited, we never shared my small moments, I couldn’t call him all the time or any time I wanted. So no thank you ma’am, I won’t go back there now that I know how hot that stove is.

I’m a very open-minded girl, I take chances that I didn’t really think I’d ever have guts to take. I still do, because we only regret the things we didn’t do. So I live!

LIVE AND LET LIVE!!           

SHOPPING WOES

I recently found myself looking at my closet and going what the hell. Yep, as in the closet is empty (by women standards) and the last time I was actually in the shop buying anything was last year. Yes, I had become a shopping virgin in the last 4 months straight! If you’re a woman you’re thinking what an achievement and the guys are probably going sure thing that’s normal. So how did I become the girl who hasn’t bought anything in forever, in simple terms I am what they call a student or as my dad likes to put it ‘the leech of his money’.

Being a student is hard especially when you like things the way I do. I am at a point where I have to make an informed decision between KFC one meal and its gone or buying bread which can go beyond 3 days. At times I’ve had to convince yourself the mall is an infectious disease that I need to stay away from because all it does is take and take your money. It is even worse if you are a red label groupie like me................SALES girl. In order for me to stay away from the red labels I avoid the mall like the black plague. As a matter of fact when I told my friend I had not bought anything (clothe wise) they thought I was strong excising self control (The internal laughter I had at that moment) which was an absolute lie. I was flat broke to buy anything, period.

So as a reward for good behaviour I went out and got myself a top. Boy did I make a huge mistake. I felt like an ex alcoholic in a liquor store. Everything in the store was calling out to me and my atm card. The speed at which I left the mall was faster than sonic the hedgehog (Know your cartoons...LOL). Needless to say this new found hippie life style is good for my bank account which is already struggling to get to month end. 

DOING THE RIGHT THING

I don’t know about you, but do you ever feel like in doing the right thing it normally translates into you losing out. Sorry, have I lost you, let me try and explain this in the simplest of manners. The hardest thing to do in this life or the next is to do the right thing! Question is what does doing the right thing mean? To me it basically means not doing to others what you don’t want done unto you.  Some might argue that if you are not benefitting from doing this so called right thing does is make it right! Question I would ask is this, does doing right need to translate into you gaining from it?

The sad reality is that in doing the right thing you are always more likely to lose out, worse still is that after you’ve done the right thing you’re likely to want to rethink your decision because you don’t benefit. In fact I feel often enough this life of ours, is likely to reward people who don’t do the right thing. It is just messed up because it feels like the baby literally gets thrown out with the bath water on you. True, you could argue that in doing the right thing a feeling of slight regret can be invoked in terms of you doing the right thing, however, this feeling is temporal. The question you need to ask yourself is this, what is more important to you, being rewarded or having a clear conscience?

Honestly, speaking for me I have found my conscience to be more important than the rewards because what is the point of having rewards when you lose sleep over them. When your conscience is not clear it’s basically like living inside a prison in your mind, a prison of your own making none the less. So if rewards are what you after, by all means step on people’s toes and wrong them all the time. But if you want eternal peace do the right thing, your rewards might not come then and there but when they do arrive they will be in abundance and everlasting. As a matter of fact that feeling that comes with it, is one in which you can look in the mirror and be proud of the person reflected in it. Moreover, as a young person what would you want to teach your own kids in terms of right and wrong. 

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN

Being human is to have internal fights with oneself. It is that ability to acknowledge that we are all beings with differences in: feelings, history, purposes and accomplishment.

As beings with feelings of hope, loss, love, lust, faith and sorrow, so often we find ourselves at the crossroads of these nebulous emotional concepts and that is when we start to realize the intensity of these internal struggles. This is when we seek to define our humanity- what is right and what is wrong, what is needed and what is wanted. It is in this space that we can start to prioritize issues and a collective experience of these priorities, what was done and what was left undone, what was chosen and what was not chosen, that’s what defines our history.

History is a set of lies that is agreed upon. Therefore when it conflicts with emotions, we are yet again confronted with a situation to redefine our humanity. This personality refinement not only depends on the history but also on our values and purpose in life.

The purpose in life is to get a sense of direction as to where one wants to be in the future, based on hope and the aspiration for a Utopian world where our emotions will no longer conflict with our values and history. It is in this space that we can start to appreciate our accomplishments which would feed into our great sense of happiness. 

PARTIAL LOVE PART TWO

By: Anonymous writer

Relationships are not for children

If “your” man is struggling to choose between you and the ex or the next, do yourself and everyone else a favour and cut yourself out of the equation. Why would you want to be with someone you need to book in advance? Just in case he might be booked on the day you want to see him. For as long as your man does not know what he wants, he will never know who he wants. Only when he knows what he wants, will he know what to look for in a partner. And NO you cannot help him decide what he wants. You will be playing with the devils pot trying to help him make his mind up. He will resent you for that and you will get your fingers burnt.

So for as long as your man keeps treating all his baby mammas, ex girlfriends or ex wives like present lovers then he will never be free of that chain that will keep him from finding real happiness. You need to make him realise that he cannot keep everyone else HAPPY at the expense of your happiness.

Why should you accept partial love and help him unpack if he keeps mixing all his dirty laundry with his clean laundry. When will you guys ever finish unpacking and finally separate the two? Na boo na.

Walk tall

If he cannot make up his mind you need to gather up some courage and walk out that door with your chin up,  head held high, back straight, chest out, tummy tucked and you singing Halleluja. Be the one that got away instead of the one that got left behind. It is about time you let go so that you can make yourself available to someone who is willing to give you complete love. Imagine missing out on the heart that is meant to love simply because you were too preoccupied with the man who was meant for another woman.

Be the atom that losses

You can do the physics you want but science will tell you that when an atom gains electrons, it becomes negative, and if it LOSES electrons, it becomes POSITIVE. So loose those electrons and gain only positivity. You have nothing to lose, only yourself to gain. And the end result is a heart that is well guarded has the will to love give and receive.

So if you do not know whether he is cheating with you or cheating on you. Then Houston we have a problem (shouts). You should not be any one of the two.

No excuses

And no honey, please do not get all mushy with me with things like "but she is a baby mamma, I simply cannot compete with that". No no no and no again. Listen here, she is just a woman like you and his baby mamma is just in the mother of his child.

The two of you are not in the same league. She washes diapers and you want the title of wife. If he knows what he wants, then you have nothing to worry about. So boo getting pregnant and joining the nappy changing room won't make him love you more. Na, you will just be adding to the monthly child support bill.

Children are a blessing that cannot stand in the way of your happiness, because he is surely not going to get married his children.

So you choose. Either you stand your ground and be boss madam like Sally in her song or make him pack his bags and go away like Ndeshi in her song.

PARTIAL LOVE

By Anonymous guest writer 

It sucks to completely give yourself to someone, only to realise that they are sharing themselves. The reality of it all is that not everyone has the capacity to love and help guard your heart like you can. YOUR HEART IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

What is partial love?

There is nothing worse than partial love because when “your” so-called man gives you partial love, it is because there is not enough love for everyone because he is not yours alone, in fact, he is not yours at all. He belongs to none of you. So do not get all cheeky with me and say "I was first" or "we have children together" or "she knows about me but I do not about her. So that makes me more important". Honey!  Just STOP it.

A man who shares himself will never really appreciate and value you for what you are worth because he is too busy keeping all the women in his life happy, while placing his and your own happiness at risk. Baby girl! That man does not know what love is. Yes, I said it. He is a lost soul that was sent to distract you from your true purpose. Call him the devils agent if you so wish because girl, he is definitely not heaven sent. God loves you way too much to let you get hurt like that. This is your heart we are talking about.

If that man really loved you, he would know that love is something COMPLETE and not partial.

Don’t be a joke

If you are born before Namibia’s independence then I am almost sure that you have reached that stage in your life where child’s play of “knock knock” “who is there?” has left in your teen years.

If you have clear EVIDENCE that your man is clowning around, you need to stop being the joke and get out of that comedy show. You need to go free your mind elsewhere honey. Life is no joke and your feelings are no toy. So stop letting him play you like some yo–yo.

Have principals

Take a look in the mirror. Ok, now take another look into the mirror. Do you see what I see? You are a beautiful, gentle being that was created in God’s image and if you are not seeing what I am seeing then honey, you need a new mirror because the one you are using is either, dirty, broken or made in China. And when you finally see what I see. I need you to ask yourself if that is what you really want. To always COMPETE for second best. Yes, second best. First place does not exist when there is more than one of you. Brother man is probably waiting on the next best thing after the dozen of you, so do not get excited just because he spends ten minutes more with the next girl then he does with you.

You need a relationship that has consistency, stability, loyalty, respect and intimate COMPLETE love.  Love is a beautiful thing that offers so much happiness, a sense of belonging, compassion and all things beautiful.

And you need to remember that you cannot chase what is already yours.

GOING THROUGH YOUR PARTNERS PHONE

So you’re in this relationship and you smell a rat, and ladies you know that when that feeling overcomes you it usually means your intuition is right. So what to do next! The first reaction is to confront your partner with your suspicion. He will either accept or deny any foul play on his part. Should he fuss up, and he agrees to end whatever he was busy with good for you. However, when he lies and continues his shadiness you’re likely to start fishing for evidence (Don’t go acting like you haven’t played detective before). So to try and understand this hugely debated issue amongst the sexes I decided to consult people from both sexes (male and female), to gain their opinion. Mind you, this question applies to situations where attempts to talk about the situation have not been fruitful. So in the event that the sting of the rat continues to strengthen, being a detective is often deemed okay.

Is it okay to investigate your partner on suspicion of infidelity?  

The gents opinion:

“...If you get to the point of investigating your partner rather cut your loses cause you will never like what you find”

“you don’t have to investigate, you can ask if it’s ok if the person has nothing to hide then they will allow you access but if they do not want to do so then there is definitely something going on thus my point about trust” in which he said “snooping is a big no no as it’s an invasion of privacy but it’s also heart breaking for the party investigating cause ultimately the relationship might not be worth it as it is not based on trust”

“If you search for something, you will find something. Suspicions of cheating are based on one of two things:

1. Your own insecurities that blur your judgment and over exaggerate things

2. A genuine reason to be concerned”

“The guy should not mind her going through her phone and the girl shouldn't want to. That's the ideal situation in a relationship. But if the guy minds - it’s a problem. If the girl always wants to - it’s a problem” moreover, “assuming the suspicion is warranted, what would an investigation achieve that straight honest talk wouldn't. A successful or unsuccessful investigation yields the same results – distrust”. In fact “a person I am investigating and/or who lies to me blatantly is not one I would stay with. So if the person has told me with a straight face that he/she is innocent and yet my gut STILL doesn't believe it is a deal breaker. That type of doubt and real love are mutually exclusive I wouldn't bother investigating because the seed of mistrust is already there regardless of the outcome”

So the gents seem to agree if your man is being shady after you’ve directly approached him with your suspicions and he continues with whatever he is busy with, know this now, that relationship has no future as the trust has been broken. Once trust is broken it will take some high power help from the lord your God who gives you grace to salvage that relationship, moreover, he will need to be super sincere and ready to start being a man worthy of being in your life.

The ladies opinion:

“Personally, I don’t want to go through my man’s phone but if he changes so much so that I start to feel like he is moving on without releasing me I will investigate”

“My problem is the disrespect men show when they get caught cheating: serves you right for going through my phone. I hope you find what you were looking for” this is after he looked you straight in the eyes and they had sworn that nothing was happening or that it was just harmless fun but what does that mean for your relationship? Am I simply not good enough? Should I walk and find someone else who will treat me better? If you are unhappy why wouldn't you let me go because clearly I can’t give you what you want”           

“I want to be a priority not an option and if you have found someone whom you’re happy with don’t string me along, let me go”

“It’s ok to go through his phone if your suspicions are warranted but don’t go provoking a situation”

The sisters on the other hand seem to agree with the gents on it being a huge no, no however they just want the man to understand that they don’t want to be kept on hold whilst they could be meeting people who really want to commit to them and give them the kind of relationship where they are secure enough to not be playing detective. The sisters want respect and sometimes knowing the truth even if its fished for, sets them free.

My personal opinion on the matter is once you go down that path; know that nothing but pain awaits you. The rug is literally going to be pulled from underneath you. In fact, you’re going to be forced to face the sad reality that the person you respected the most doesn't feel the need to return that respect. You might even take time to bounce back to reality, but you’ll be fine. The one thing you should remember is to know your worth and that’s something that a man/lady cannot give you. Moreover, if you stay know that the relationship dynamics from before you found out are not going to stay the same. On the upside however, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and wise. Furthermore, it makes you realise what you will and wouldn't put up with. Going through a man’s phone also makes you lose a bit of your dignity and that is something you’re going to have to live with.

Mr Chance Taker or Mr Good Guy

So recently someone said to me ‘Cathy you don’t act like a woman nor to you act your age’ and being me I asked what the hell that suppose to mean, exactly. I suck at reading in between the lines so please break it down for me. Before I continue keep in mind that there are two sides to every story especially if it’s a man declaring such a statement to you. 

The negative side:

In order for a guy/man to makes such a statement in the negative sense it can only mean one thing, He wants to disrespect you; so much so, but by the same token he wants you to be open minded about allowing him to disrespect you (keep up it will make sense soon enough). This guy I call a Chance Taker and he will usually be someone you care a lot about. Be careful not to get your head stuck in the clouds for he will walk all over you like a red carpet on Oscar night in Hollywood. Ladies, any man who wants you to go against the principles that govern you, does not love you because the good word says love is not evil (1 Corinthians 13:5). Chance Taker will usually be a great manipulator, he will play on your emotions like a fiddle. However, breaking away from this one will be much harder especially if you've made him the pinnacle of your happiness. More times than others, no good comes out of holding on to Chance Taker because he will break you (physically and emotionally). He will push so far along the road of cray, cray you will lose more than just the man, you will lose yourself. So don’t wait to hit rock bottom before you open your eyes and realise he is no good for you at all, because with every heart break you lose something of yourself to a point were you might not appreciate a good thing when it comes your way. Just keep in mind there are good guys out there so don’t sell yourself short to be Chance Takers side chick.

The positive side:

In order for a guy/man to make such a statement in the positive sense it can only mean one thing, he wants to get serious but for every step he takes towards you with good intentions you will take ten steps back, because of the baggage dealt to you by the Chance Taker. This poor guy is busy fighting against the tides of your boyfriends past and he is losing the war without having begun the battle, because caution has become your middle name. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t the cautious, but weigh the efforts of this man as an individual and try to recognise his good qualities. This man just wants for you to start acknowledging the fact that a future that is pain free with him is possible. He wants to see that he would protect your heart as he would his own. This guy is talking future business not side chick promises. He wants you to realise and accept that bad things happen to good people but those with good intentions shouldn't be punished for the sins of the other heartless, uncaring men. This one just wants you to snap back to reality and start a happing ending with him. In fact he wants to help you find yourself physically and emotionally and then he wants you to be a unit, one. Sad thing is, the ones with good intentions are usually ignored because our minds are busy chasing fantasises. A good man is hard to find, but a greater man is even harder to acknowledge.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR BROUGHT CLOSER

Ever wonder how you out grew the silly things you use to get up to back in the days, because I do.

Growing up in the hostel teaches you some early on lessons in the art of survival and occasional bullying (well what else could we do when all we had were Tamagotchi’s). I still recall the first time I got into trouble, the kind that was course for expulsion. Organise a whopping for a girl who use to steal from the girls in the hostel; mind you I was only grade 3at the time and I was playing the role of Don King (please don’t ask me who he is for I will smack you). To top that off we use to sneak off to the Katutura swimming pool knowing very well we would get our butts whopped. We’d come back with blood red eyes and still lie about our whereabouts  (the absence of common sense).  

Eish the road travelled.

I think I was so much of a rebel growing up after high school I decided to reinvent myself. However, the reinvention did not minimize the talking. Often I worry that without my verbal diarrhoea, I will fade into the background and my opinion will not be heard (ok, exaggeration on my part). In fact, I can’t allow for my mouth to dry out for a minute because I worry toothpaste will become expensive and I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

The road travelled into adult is one filled with memories some worth reminiscing on others not so much.  

BEING THANKFUL

So just this week I met a bunch of amazing people and whilst hanging with them the question of what we were most thankful for came up. For the first time in the last 3 years I couldn't actually say what I was thankful for. It’s not that I had nothing to be thankful for it’s just that I've been so caught up in life’s issues I forgot to be thankful for anything.

So there I was dumb founded by what should have been an obviously easy question and I couldn't think of one thing to be thankful for. In that moment I decided to think about all the things I was thankful for, because if I had to be honest I was blessed beyond abundance. I have chosen the 12 gifts from the movie: The Ultimate Gift to be thankful for. The movie considered the following 12 gifts as the most important gifts to be thankful for in life.

The Gift of Work:
I was grateful for being at school and following the promise to myself to get to a certain education level at a certain age. I was busy accomplishing this yet I wasn't even grateful for it.
The Gift of Money:
I might not rich but I wasn't starving either so clearly in the money department I was sorted yet I was still not grateful for this gift.
The Gift of Friends:
This was the one thing gift I was most grateful for. I had the most amazing friends who would move heaven and earth for me in fact I consider them my brothers and sisters. They have held my hand in the darkest hours of my life and they were always consistent in their loyalty to me my mini Oprah’s as I call them.
The Gift of Learning:
Learning as a gift for me is reflective of the lessons and issues I've conquered and overcome. How many people actually consider that a gift, hell even I have never considered it as one but it was something to be grateful for.
The Gift of Problems:
On this all I can say is, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if you've been through problems and come out tops be grateful especially if you've still maintained your level of sanity.
The Gift of Family:
How does one survive in this jungle without a strong family foundation? In fact anyone who has met my family knows they are a crazy bunch but they love and give unconditionally in fact they are always willing to fight my battles for me……………..gotta love the family.
The Gift of Laughter:
This is something I haven’t indulged in the longest of time but it is something I am working hard on to revive. Laughter keeps the doctor and all negative things away. I am learning to re-appreciate this oh so previous young past gift.
The Gift of Dreams:
This is the gift I am working on the hardest. Without our dreams we are basically navigating through life without a compass, so if you have dreams hold onto them and work hard to making them a reality. It is the one thing no human being can take away from you plus it’s free. 
The Gift of Giving:
This is one gift that I have lost touch with. Giving is one of the most important aspects as it keeps us in touch with our humanity and sense of care. When you give, give selflessly and without any expectations.
The Gift of Gratitude:
Ultimately be thankful for all that you are, have and will accomplish in life.
The Gift of a Day:
How many of us actually wake up and thank the Lord for a new day? That is the one gift we take for granted. There are people out there praying for extra an day for they know the end is near but for those of us in good health, we cannot even be thankful for a dawn of a new day. Appreciate every sunrise and sunset.
The Gift of Love:
Love, the ultimate gift for it induces all the other gifts for it is the one emotion that is a universal language. When was the last time you told someone you loved them and meant it? When was the last time you showed a strange love? The power of love has the ability to both wound and heal but when used for the latter; it has the ability to do so much. In fact according to the bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 love is the greatest gift because “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”.

Passion Killings: What’s love got to do with it?

By Desmond N Nikanor

I always found it strange that the Oshiwambo language uses the same word to express the very strong (and very different) emotions of ‘like’ and ‘love’. My suspicions were further augmented when I observed the typical Oshiwambo relationship between a father and son.  Without generalizing and with great respect to the exceptions, the father communicates to his son through a series of harshly barked instructions, unintelligible grunts and demeaning murmurs on how far the boy is falling short of the mark of manhood. Discussions about feelings, studies, relationships, dreams and aspirations are as elusive as the cattle they need to spend hours finding every day.  I do, however, find it strange that society is now asking why our men cannot express themselves adequately in romantic relationships and resort to detestable actions when their “effort at loving” is thrown back in their faces

The concept of love has been misrepresented – it has been used so much that the true meaning has been eroded away over the years. There is no better place to define love than from The One who loved first.  Through the Bible, God graciously gave us a detailed description and explanation of the characteristics of love:

“ Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no    

   record of wrong-doing. Love always protects”

- extracted from 1 Corinthians 13

 

God was wise and kind enough to break down what He meant by the notion of love – should we not take serious note of this and assess our partners with these criteria in mind? In the same way you read and follow an owner’s manual from the manufacturer once you buy a new gadget, the bible is the manual on the order of our life – made by the very One who made us and knows how we best operate.   Namibian men and perhaps women as well, have fallen completely short of the true definition of what it means to love and cannot discern whether a relationship they are in is actually love, or just some distorted arrangement based on self-gratification which will always and inevitably lead to destruction.

Young Namibian ladies can learn to identify what real love is and learn not entertain relationships that do not meet those criteria. In the same breath, Namibian men must understand that to say “I Love Her” means that whatever you do for her is in her best interest, regardless of the outcome.

Perhaps once we resort back to God’s principles, we can go back to using the word Passion to describe an intense love and desire for something good. 

TOO DAMN SICK AND TIRED

I am pissed, so bloody pissed off. Like how the hell can people be so cruel and heartless? Have we really become so far removed from our emotions we do not consider others or have we become so self-absorbed to the point of not caring. Before you get me all wrong all these emotions are streaming from having watched the movie 12 Years as a Slave. This movie made me weep like a baby and mad as hell. This is all streaming from the pent up frustration, anger, worry whatever the hell you want to call it, which has been building up in me for a while now.

The reality is that even today people all over the world are experiencing modern day slavery yet as human beings many of us close of that reality because it does not affect us nor has it hit close to home. However, do we really have to wait for things to hit close to home before we become active change agents? Moreover, do we ever think of what our ancestors have had to endure for us to be experiencing this democracy that we take for granted! Even I am guilty of this crime because half the times I spend it bitching about things that are stupid and irrelevant. Yes, I have been so self-absorbed by the issues in my our world, issues that should not even take precedence in my life, whilst forgetting there are people out there in far worse of situations. To think that people had actually lost their lives to slavery and apartheid yet we can’t take the time to appreciate what has been given to us so freely. How many of us young people can say we would not have been broken if we had to endure the same circumstances! Watching the movie made me think that it’s time we started reevaluating the things that are important, the things we take for granted.  When was the last time you woke up and just thanked the Lord for being blessed and healthy!

To borrow the words of Bob Marley “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds”. We need to stop this banana republic mentality that we have developed and continue to breed. We are slowly become a nation of unappreciative young people so busy blaming the world and everyone else for the things we fail to correct and work on because of our own inadequacies. We have become a nation of selfish beings and often I worry for the generations to come because if we continue down this path, and try to forget our history our forefathers will turn in their graves especially if they had to see what their sacrifices have amounted to. At times I am often ashamed to live in this century. We need to find Jesus because clearly doing things on our own is causing us to self-destruct. I am sick, sick and tired of being sick and tired.