WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN

Being human is to have internal fights with oneself. It is that ability to acknowledge that we are all beings with differences in: feelings, history, purposes and accomplishment.

As beings with feelings of hope, loss, love, lust, faith and sorrow, so often we find ourselves at the crossroads of these nebulous emotional concepts and that is when we start to realize the intensity of these internal struggles. This is when we seek to define our humanity- what is right and what is wrong, what is needed and what is wanted. It is in this space that we can start to prioritize issues and a collective experience of these priorities, what was done and what was left undone, what was chosen and what was not chosen, that’s what defines our history.

History is a set of lies that is agreed upon. Therefore when it conflicts with emotions, we are yet again confronted with a situation to redefine our humanity. This personality refinement not only depends on the history but also on our values and purpose in life.

The purpose in life is to get a sense of direction as to where one wants to be in the future, based on hope and the aspiration for a Utopian world where our emotions will no longer conflict with our values and history. It is in this space that we can start to appreciate our accomplishments which would feed into our great sense of happiness. 

PARTIAL LOVE PART TWO

By: Anonymous writer

Relationships are not for children

If “your” man is struggling to choose between you and the ex or the next, do yourself and everyone else a favour and cut yourself out of the equation. Why would you want to be with someone you need to book in advance? Just in case he might be booked on the day you want to see him. For as long as your man does not know what he wants, he will never know who he wants. Only when he knows what he wants, will he know what to look for in a partner. And NO you cannot help him decide what he wants. You will be playing with the devils pot trying to help him make his mind up. He will resent you for that and you will get your fingers burnt.

So for as long as your man keeps treating all his baby mammas, ex girlfriends or ex wives like present lovers then he will never be free of that chain that will keep him from finding real happiness. You need to make him realise that he cannot keep everyone else HAPPY at the expense of your happiness.

Why should you accept partial love and help him unpack if he keeps mixing all his dirty laundry with his clean laundry. When will you guys ever finish unpacking and finally separate the two? Na boo na.

Walk tall

If he cannot make up his mind you need to gather up some courage and walk out that door with your chin up,  head held high, back straight, chest out, tummy tucked and you singing Halleluja. Be the one that got away instead of the one that got left behind. It is about time you let go so that you can make yourself available to someone who is willing to give you complete love. Imagine missing out on the heart that is meant to love simply because you were too preoccupied with the man who was meant for another woman.

Be the atom that losses

You can do the physics you want but science will tell you that when an atom gains electrons, it becomes negative, and if it LOSES electrons, it becomes POSITIVE. So loose those electrons and gain only positivity. You have nothing to lose, only yourself to gain. And the end result is a heart that is well guarded has the will to love give and receive.

So if you do not know whether he is cheating with you or cheating on you. Then Houston we have a problem (shouts). You should not be any one of the two.

No excuses

And no honey, please do not get all mushy with me with things like "but she is a baby mamma, I simply cannot compete with that". No no no and no again. Listen here, she is just a woman like you and his baby mamma is just in the mother of his child.

The two of you are not in the same league. She washes diapers and you want the title of wife. If he knows what he wants, then you have nothing to worry about. So boo getting pregnant and joining the nappy changing room won't make him love you more. Na, you will just be adding to the monthly child support bill.

Children are a blessing that cannot stand in the way of your happiness, because he is surely not going to get married his children.

So you choose. Either you stand your ground and be boss madam like Sally in her song or make him pack his bags and go away like Ndeshi in her song.

PARTIAL LOVE

By Anonymous guest writer 

It sucks to completely give yourself to someone, only to realise that they are sharing themselves. The reality of it all is that not everyone has the capacity to love and help guard your heart like you can. YOUR HEART IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

What is partial love?

There is nothing worse than partial love because when “your” so-called man gives you partial love, it is because there is not enough love for everyone because he is not yours alone, in fact, he is not yours at all. He belongs to none of you. So do not get all cheeky with me and say "I was first" or "we have children together" or "she knows about me but I do not about her. So that makes me more important". Honey!  Just STOP it.

A man who shares himself will never really appreciate and value you for what you are worth because he is too busy keeping all the women in his life happy, while placing his and your own happiness at risk. Baby girl! That man does not know what love is. Yes, I said it. He is a lost soul that was sent to distract you from your true purpose. Call him the devils agent if you so wish because girl, he is definitely not heaven sent. God loves you way too much to let you get hurt like that. This is your heart we are talking about.

If that man really loved you, he would know that love is something COMPLETE and not partial.

Don’t be a joke

If you are born before Namibia’s independence then I am almost sure that you have reached that stage in your life where child’s play of “knock knock” “who is there?” has left in your teen years.

If you have clear EVIDENCE that your man is clowning around, you need to stop being the joke and get out of that comedy show. You need to go free your mind elsewhere honey. Life is no joke and your feelings are no toy. So stop letting him play you like some yo–yo.

Have principals

Take a look in the mirror. Ok, now take another look into the mirror. Do you see what I see? You are a beautiful, gentle being that was created in God’s image and if you are not seeing what I am seeing then honey, you need a new mirror because the one you are using is either, dirty, broken or made in China. And when you finally see what I see. I need you to ask yourself if that is what you really want. To always COMPETE for second best. Yes, second best. First place does not exist when there is more than one of you. Brother man is probably waiting on the next best thing after the dozen of you, so do not get excited just because he spends ten minutes more with the next girl then he does with you.

You need a relationship that has consistency, stability, loyalty, respect and intimate COMPLETE love.  Love is a beautiful thing that offers so much happiness, a sense of belonging, compassion and all things beautiful.

And you need to remember that you cannot chase what is already yours.

GOING THROUGH YOUR PARTNERS PHONE

So you’re in this relationship and you smell a rat, and ladies you know that when that feeling overcomes you it usually means your intuition is right. So what to do next! The first reaction is to confront your partner with your suspicion. He will either accept or deny any foul play on his part. Should he fuss up, and he agrees to end whatever he was busy with good for you. However, when he lies and continues his shadiness you’re likely to start fishing for evidence (Don’t go acting like you haven’t played detective before). So to try and understand this hugely debated issue amongst the sexes I decided to consult people from both sexes (male and female), to gain their opinion. Mind you, this question applies to situations where attempts to talk about the situation have not been fruitful. So in the event that the sting of the rat continues to strengthen, being a detective is often deemed okay.

Is it okay to investigate your partner on suspicion of infidelity?  

The gents opinion:

“...If you get to the point of investigating your partner rather cut your loses cause you will never like what you find”

“you don’t have to investigate, you can ask if it’s ok if the person has nothing to hide then they will allow you access but if they do not want to do so then there is definitely something going on thus my point about trust” in which he said “snooping is a big no no as it’s an invasion of privacy but it’s also heart breaking for the party investigating cause ultimately the relationship might not be worth it as it is not based on trust”

“If you search for something, you will find something. Suspicions of cheating are based on one of two things:

1. Your own insecurities that blur your judgment and over exaggerate things

2. A genuine reason to be concerned”

“The guy should not mind her going through her phone and the girl shouldn't want to. That's the ideal situation in a relationship. But if the guy minds - it’s a problem. If the girl always wants to - it’s a problem” moreover, “assuming the suspicion is warranted, what would an investigation achieve that straight honest talk wouldn't. A successful or unsuccessful investigation yields the same results – distrust”. In fact “a person I am investigating and/or who lies to me blatantly is not one I would stay with. So if the person has told me with a straight face that he/she is innocent and yet my gut STILL doesn't believe it is a deal breaker. That type of doubt and real love are mutually exclusive I wouldn't bother investigating because the seed of mistrust is already there regardless of the outcome”

So the gents seem to agree if your man is being shady after you’ve directly approached him with your suspicions and he continues with whatever he is busy with, know this now, that relationship has no future as the trust has been broken. Once trust is broken it will take some high power help from the lord your God who gives you grace to salvage that relationship, moreover, he will need to be super sincere and ready to start being a man worthy of being in your life.

The ladies opinion:

“Personally, I don’t want to go through my man’s phone but if he changes so much so that I start to feel like he is moving on without releasing me I will investigate”

“My problem is the disrespect men show when they get caught cheating: serves you right for going through my phone. I hope you find what you were looking for” this is after he looked you straight in the eyes and they had sworn that nothing was happening or that it was just harmless fun but what does that mean for your relationship? Am I simply not good enough? Should I walk and find someone else who will treat me better? If you are unhappy why wouldn't you let me go because clearly I can’t give you what you want”           

“I want to be a priority not an option and if you have found someone whom you’re happy with don’t string me along, let me go”

“It’s ok to go through his phone if your suspicions are warranted but don’t go provoking a situation”

The sisters on the other hand seem to agree with the gents on it being a huge no, no however they just want the man to understand that they don’t want to be kept on hold whilst they could be meeting people who really want to commit to them and give them the kind of relationship where they are secure enough to not be playing detective. The sisters want respect and sometimes knowing the truth even if its fished for, sets them free.

My personal opinion on the matter is once you go down that path; know that nothing but pain awaits you. The rug is literally going to be pulled from underneath you. In fact, you’re going to be forced to face the sad reality that the person you respected the most doesn't feel the need to return that respect. You might even take time to bounce back to reality, but you’ll be fine. The one thing you should remember is to know your worth and that’s something that a man/lady cannot give you. Moreover, if you stay know that the relationship dynamics from before you found out are not going to stay the same. On the upside however, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and wise. Furthermore, it makes you realise what you will and wouldn't put up with. Going through a man’s phone also makes you lose a bit of your dignity and that is something you’re going to have to live with.

Mr Chance Taker or Mr Good Guy

So recently someone said to me ‘Cathy you don’t act like a woman nor to you act your age’ and being me I asked what the hell that suppose to mean, exactly. I suck at reading in between the lines so please break it down for me. Before I continue keep in mind that there are two sides to every story especially if it’s a man declaring such a statement to you. 

The negative side:

In order for a guy/man to makes such a statement in the negative sense it can only mean one thing, He wants to disrespect you; so much so, but by the same token he wants you to be open minded about allowing him to disrespect you (keep up it will make sense soon enough). This guy I call a Chance Taker and he will usually be someone you care a lot about. Be careful not to get your head stuck in the clouds for he will walk all over you like a red carpet on Oscar night in Hollywood. Ladies, any man who wants you to go against the principles that govern you, does not love you because the good word says love is not evil (1 Corinthians 13:5). Chance Taker will usually be a great manipulator, he will play on your emotions like a fiddle. However, breaking away from this one will be much harder especially if you've made him the pinnacle of your happiness. More times than others, no good comes out of holding on to Chance Taker because he will break you (physically and emotionally). He will push so far along the road of cray, cray you will lose more than just the man, you will lose yourself. So don’t wait to hit rock bottom before you open your eyes and realise he is no good for you at all, because with every heart break you lose something of yourself to a point were you might not appreciate a good thing when it comes your way. Just keep in mind there are good guys out there so don’t sell yourself short to be Chance Takers side chick.

The positive side:

In order for a guy/man to make such a statement in the positive sense it can only mean one thing, he wants to get serious but for every step he takes towards you with good intentions you will take ten steps back, because of the baggage dealt to you by the Chance Taker. This poor guy is busy fighting against the tides of your boyfriends past and he is losing the war without having begun the battle, because caution has become your middle name. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t the cautious, but weigh the efforts of this man as an individual and try to recognise his good qualities. This man just wants for you to start acknowledging the fact that a future that is pain free with him is possible. He wants to see that he would protect your heart as he would his own. This guy is talking future business not side chick promises. He wants you to realise and accept that bad things happen to good people but those with good intentions shouldn't be punished for the sins of the other heartless, uncaring men. This one just wants you to snap back to reality and start a happing ending with him. In fact he wants to help you find yourself physically and emotionally and then he wants you to be a unit, one. Sad thing is, the ones with good intentions are usually ignored because our minds are busy chasing fantasises. A good man is hard to find, but a greater man is even harder to acknowledge.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR BROUGHT CLOSER

Ever wonder how you out grew the silly things you use to get up to back in the days, because I do.

Growing up in the hostel teaches you some early on lessons in the art of survival and occasional bullying (well what else could we do when all we had were Tamagotchi’s). I still recall the first time I got into trouble, the kind that was course for expulsion. Organise a whopping for a girl who use to steal from the girls in the hostel; mind you I was only grade 3at the time and I was playing the role of Don King (please don’t ask me who he is for I will smack you). To top that off we use to sneak off to the Katutura swimming pool knowing very well we would get our butts whopped. We’d come back with blood red eyes and still lie about our whereabouts  (the absence of common sense).  

Eish the road travelled.

I think I was so much of a rebel growing up after high school I decided to reinvent myself. However, the reinvention did not minimize the talking. Often I worry that without my verbal diarrhoea, I will fade into the background and my opinion will not be heard (ok, exaggeration on my part). In fact, I can’t allow for my mouth to dry out for a minute because I worry toothpaste will become expensive and I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

The road travelled into adult is one filled with memories some worth reminiscing on others not so much.  

BEING THANKFUL

So just this week I met a bunch of amazing people and whilst hanging with them the question of what we were most thankful for came up. For the first time in the last 3 years I couldn't actually say what I was thankful for. It’s not that I had nothing to be thankful for it’s just that I've been so caught up in life’s issues I forgot to be thankful for anything.

So there I was dumb founded by what should have been an obviously easy question and I couldn't think of one thing to be thankful for. In that moment I decided to think about all the things I was thankful for, because if I had to be honest I was blessed beyond abundance. I have chosen the 12 gifts from the movie: The Ultimate Gift to be thankful for. The movie considered the following 12 gifts as the most important gifts to be thankful for in life.

The Gift of Work:
I was grateful for being at school and following the promise to myself to get to a certain education level at a certain age. I was busy accomplishing this yet I wasn't even grateful for it.
The Gift of Money:
I might not rich but I wasn't starving either so clearly in the money department I was sorted yet I was still not grateful for this gift.
The Gift of Friends:
This was the one thing gift I was most grateful for. I had the most amazing friends who would move heaven and earth for me in fact I consider them my brothers and sisters. They have held my hand in the darkest hours of my life and they were always consistent in their loyalty to me my mini Oprah’s as I call them.
The Gift of Learning:
Learning as a gift for me is reflective of the lessons and issues I've conquered and overcome. How many people actually consider that a gift, hell even I have never considered it as one but it was something to be grateful for.
The Gift of Problems:
On this all I can say is, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if you've been through problems and come out tops be grateful especially if you've still maintained your level of sanity.
The Gift of Family:
How does one survive in this jungle without a strong family foundation? In fact anyone who has met my family knows they are a crazy bunch but they love and give unconditionally in fact they are always willing to fight my battles for me……………..gotta love the family.
The Gift of Laughter:
This is something I haven’t indulged in the longest of time but it is something I am working hard on to revive. Laughter keeps the doctor and all negative things away. I am learning to re-appreciate this oh so previous young past gift.
The Gift of Dreams:
This is the gift I am working on the hardest. Without our dreams we are basically navigating through life without a compass, so if you have dreams hold onto them and work hard to making them a reality. It is the one thing no human being can take away from you plus it’s free. 
The Gift of Giving:
This is one gift that I have lost touch with. Giving is one of the most important aspects as it keeps us in touch with our humanity and sense of care. When you give, give selflessly and without any expectations.
The Gift of Gratitude:
Ultimately be thankful for all that you are, have and will accomplish in life.
The Gift of a Day:
How many of us actually wake up and thank the Lord for a new day? That is the one gift we take for granted. There are people out there praying for extra an day for they know the end is near but for those of us in good health, we cannot even be thankful for a dawn of a new day. Appreciate every sunrise and sunset.
The Gift of Love:
Love, the ultimate gift for it induces all the other gifts for it is the one emotion that is a universal language. When was the last time you told someone you loved them and meant it? When was the last time you showed a strange love? The power of love has the ability to both wound and heal but when used for the latter; it has the ability to do so much. In fact according to the bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 love is the greatest gift because “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”.

Passion Killings: What’s love got to do with it?

By Desmond N Nikanor

I always found it strange that the Oshiwambo language uses the same word to express the very strong (and very different) emotions of ‘like’ and ‘love’. My suspicions were further augmented when I observed the typical Oshiwambo relationship between a father and son.  Without generalizing and with great respect to the exceptions, the father communicates to his son through a series of harshly barked instructions, unintelligible grunts and demeaning murmurs on how far the boy is falling short of the mark of manhood. Discussions about feelings, studies, relationships, dreams and aspirations are as elusive as the cattle they need to spend hours finding every day.  I do, however, find it strange that society is now asking why our men cannot express themselves adequately in romantic relationships and resort to detestable actions when their “effort at loving” is thrown back in their faces

The concept of love has been misrepresented – it has been used so much that the true meaning has been eroded away over the years. There is no better place to define love than from The One who loved first.  Through the Bible, God graciously gave us a detailed description and explanation of the characteristics of love:

“ Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no    

   record of wrong-doing. Love always protects”

- extracted from 1 Corinthians 13

 

God was wise and kind enough to break down what He meant by the notion of love – should we not take serious note of this and assess our partners with these criteria in mind? In the same way you read and follow an owner’s manual from the manufacturer once you buy a new gadget, the bible is the manual on the order of our life – made by the very One who made us and knows how we best operate.   Namibian men and perhaps women as well, have fallen completely short of the true definition of what it means to love and cannot discern whether a relationship they are in is actually love, or just some distorted arrangement based on self-gratification which will always and inevitably lead to destruction.

Young Namibian ladies can learn to identify what real love is and learn not entertain relationships that do not meet those criteria. In the same breath, Namibian men must understand that to say “I Love Her” means that whatever you do for her is in her best interest, regardless of the outcome.

Perhaps once we resort back to God’s principles, we can go back to using the word Passion to describe an intense love and desire for something good. 

TOO DAMN SICK AND TIRED

I am pissed, so bloody pissed off. Like how the hell can people be so cruel and heartless? Have we really become so far removed from our emotions we do not consider others or have we become so self-absorbed to the point of not caring. Before you get me all wrong all these emotions are streaming from having watched the movie 12 Years as a Slave. This movie made me weep like a baby and mad as hell. This is all streaming from the pent up frustration, anger, worry whatever the hell you want to call it, which has been building up in me for a while now.

The reality is that even today people all over the world are experiencing modern day slavery yet as human beings many of us close of that reality because it does not affect us nor has it hit close to home. However, do we really have to wait for things to hit close to home before we become active change agents? Moreover, do we ever think of what our ancestors have had to endure for us to be experiencing this democracy that we take for granted! Even I am guilty of this crime because half the times I spend it bitching about things that are stupid and irrelevant. Yes, I have been so self-absorbed by the issues in my our world, issues that should not even take precedence in my life, whilst forgetting there are people out there in far worse of situations. To think that people had actually lost their lives to slavery and apartheid yet we can’t take the time to appreciate what has been given to us so freely. How many of us young people can say we would not have been broken if we had to endure the same circumstances! Watching the movie made me think that it’s time we started reevaluating the things that are important, the things we take for granted.  When was the last time you woke up and just thanked the Lord for being blessed and healthy!

To borrow the words of Bob Marley “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds”. We need to stop this banana republic mentality that we have developed and continue to breed. We are slowly become a nation of unappreciative young people so busy blaming the world and everyone else for the things we fail to correct and work on because of our own inadequacies. We have become a nation of selfish beings and often I worry for the generations to come because if we continue down this path, and try to forget our history our forefathers will turn in their graves especially if they had to see what their sacrifices have amounted to. At times I am often ashamed to live in this century. We need to find Jesus because clearly doing things on our own is causing us to self-destruct. I am sick, sick and tired of being sick and tired.